looking for alaska.

I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzled and she was a hurricane.

4:30 AM

Forgiveness is never easy. Bitterness is easy, hatred is easy. But forgiveness, that is a tough one. Sometimes people say things they don't mean or do things they can't take back. Sometimes we do things we can't take back. We're all afraid of something. I was afraid, I was dying. But in the face of great despair, I had an epiphany; what I have done is who I am, but what I have done is not who I will be. It's been nearly 37 million seconds; 10,000 hours; 14 months.. Since I realized what I have done is not who I can be. Unburden yourself from the mistakes of the past. And when you do, your heart grows stronger, I should know. Mine was supposed to go out long time ago. But it doesn't mean that what you have done is forgotten and what you have done remembers.

The life as I knew it, just disappeared.

light.

Yeah, things can change (for good) in matter of seconds.

farewells.

It's like I'm not ready to let go. I'm not good at letting go, but this time I don't wanna let you go. I realize that I know why it hurts so much. It's not because you make me feel good and I loved being with you, because if you love someone, you want that person to be happy, with or without you. I miss the fact that I was part of your happiness, of your world. I miss telling you how much I adored to see you smile. I'm gonna miss all of you, from the little details I love to the things you do that I don't like. And I'm gonna miss you everyday, 'cause I'm not ready to let you go.

failures.

'So you failed. Alright you really failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You think I care about that? I do understand. You wanna be really great? Then have the courage to fail big and stick around. Make them wonder why you're still smiling.'

*epic fail* I can't smile anymore.

you and me and the bottle makes three tonight.

I know what it's like to be the footnote in someone else's love story.

"I'm sorry that I fucked things up" she said.

delays.

I feel very stupid. I know what I want and I know it's wrong, but I can't avoid these feelings.

coincidences.

It's really funny how things can change in the matter of days, hours or seconds. I'm the kind of person who's always afraid of changes, but after all, that's life. Life is changing constantly and our purpose is to face these changes and do the best we can. And I'm doing it. People always say that they care about me and my feelings and blah, but when I need them to be there, they're not. I'm kind of getting used to the idea that I'll always have to face things alone 'cause no one's there when I need 'em to be, and lately my life is like...changing all the time, but not because I want to, because of some decisions people take that involves me. I'm really, really confused of what I should do. One part of me tells me that I need to move on, and get over it for my own good; other part of me needs to wait and see what happen, even though I know there's no chance (and you're lying in my face); and last I know I should take what I can. It was perfect once, maybe it could be perfect again. But getting back to the start...I don't know, I think I'm afraid. I know I'll find a way to figure all this out, but in the meaning I only confuse myself more and more. It's like I don't know me anymore, I don't recognize myself. You're confusing the s#!t out of me!! I hope you're happy.

questions.

Should I stay or should I run?
Should I wait or should I leave you behind?
Should I do what I want or should I do what I think is the best?
Should I tell you how I feel or should I shut my mouth?
Should I tell you how much I miss you...how much I love you?

(tricky questions)

karma?

You can choose to blame your circumstances on fate or badluck or bad choices. Or you can fight back. Things aren't always going to be fair in the real world. That's just the way it is. But for the most part, you get what you give. Rest of your life is being shaped right now. With the dreams you chase....the choices you make....and the person you decide to be. The rest of your life is a long time. And the rest of your life starts right now.

explanations.

Why did you have to come back? Why now and not before, when I still had feelings for you? Why you didn't fight for me when it was the time? And why the hell do I feel this way? I don't care about you anymore. No, I say. I only ask one thing, please, PLEASE, get out of my mind before I do something I'll regret. I though I had leave this era behind, well, it seems I don't. But I don't wanna go back, I refuse. You're not going to play with me again.

regrets.

I wish I could change some of the things about how I've acted in the last couple months. I guess I'm just disappointed in myself. You know, I told her if she loved another person then I would learn to be ok with that, because I wanted her to be happy but really I just wanted us to be happy. And when she didn't get anything, I felt terrible for her, you know her heart is breaking right now and I come in here and I sit in silence and hear the echoes of who we used to be and so I wish for patience and grace and strength to just let her be happy and mostly I pray for the strength not to make her life worse because of what I want. That’s the toughest part, letting go, you know. That’s the part of grace that really sucks.

confessions.

-I miss you. I do. I love you. Every day I wake up and I have this ache in my chest and sometimes I just sleep in because I know when I wake up you’re not going to be there.
-I love you too, you know that, but I can't be with you.
-It's ok. That's it, that's my offer. It'll be long nights, heated arguments. It'll be like we're married.
-I believe in you but we can't be together.
-We will be. One of these days you're gonna wake up and feel that same me in your heart and you're going to realize how much I love you and whenever that day is, I'll still be waiting for you and you'll come home with me.